Dollar bill wonders if it’ll be used for something more than snorting cheap cocaine

A dollar bill, printed in 1944, has lived a long and fruitful life but it is beginning to grow jaded.

‘Oh, gosh,’ it told our reporter, ‘I’ve been around so long all the memories start to drift together, you know?’

The dollar bill recalls that it was first used to purchase gasoline at a convenience store in Alabama.

‘The teenager who put me in the till gave the guy who was buying gas nine dollars change. That’s what I remember from that day,’ it said.

‘Since then, I’ve been dropped in toilets, handed over in robberies, and I even walked around on someone’s shoe for a while.’

The dollar bill’s voice faltered as it recounted the next part of its journey: ‘Back in the late nineties I was placed into a vending machine and I got stuck or something. I spent seventeen months locked in that refrigerated coffin until a maintenance guy came along and saved me.

‘At first I was so happy, until he took me to a party one night.’

‘The cocaine,’ the dollar bill wept, ‘it was so cheap and poorly cut. I kept trying to tell this guy: “You’re being ripped off! You’re being ripped off,” but he never listened.’

Over time, the bill said, the maintenance man’s habit became more frequent. In the last few weeks, his dalliances with cocaine have become nightly affairs.

‘It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d just buy some of the good stuff. Or clean his nose.’