Poor university graduates pray that their mortarboards hit them in the eye so they can get disability

Looking up at the bright blue sky where their dreams were supposed to be, Mary Thompson and Edwin James wait and hope for the jagged corners of their freshly-tossed mortarboards to take out an eye.

‘I’m seventy thousand dollars in debt,’ Mary, a graduate in antique kiln operation, told us.

‘Same,’ Edwin said. He holds a Bachelor’s in Communications.

‘I had a look at the market before I graduated and, surprisingly, there’s very little out there for me,’ Mary continued.

‘Yep,’ Edwin nodded.

They feel that the only saviour possible for them is being in receipt of disability payments.

‘Things are just so bad for university graduates nowadays,’ Mary said, twisting her head back and forth.

The mortarboards tossed by the graduating class spiralled back down towards their gazes. Once gravity had done its job, groans of sadness bore forth from those that had been unlucky and still had their vision intact.

Edwin, with both eyes remaining, said, ‘Me sad.’

Mary, however, with blood gushing from a fresh ocular orifice said, ‘I’ve never been happier.’