Illiterate FBI wiretapper sad that most prefer to text instead of call

‘It’s the end of an era,’ the FBI agent, who wished to remain anonymous, told us.

He pointed to his now-silent headphones and said, ‘I used to be able to hear everything. Even toilet happenings.

‘Now all people do is text and I feel left out.’

The agent doesn’t know how long the FBI will keep him on the payroll. ‘I mean, I can still decipher emojis and things. And you’d be surprised how many plan crimes with them. I’m pretty sure the eggplant and peach emoji means that there’s gonna be a bank robbery.’