Hell News: Satan not interested in meeting Epstein

A spokesperson for the Dark Lord is reported to have said: ‘Mr Satan doesn’t think it would be a good PR look.’

Shortly after allegedly committing suicide, Jeffrey Epstein found himself in the fiery depths of hell. Eye witnesses said that his descent was uneventful but that he had no friends in the afterlife.

‘No one jumped up to see him,’ one condemned soul told us. ‘He’s pretty isolated right now. Plus he has to sleep in the bottom bunk beneath someone who has been forced to wet the bed for eternity.’

A source close to Mr Satan said that one of Epstein’s punishments for the rest of time will most likely be ‘experiencing the sensation of having zero value as a creature and being aware that the entire universe considers you to be a stain of sheer misery.’