Revealed: Cigarette companies funding billions in peer pressure research

An investigation into what tobacco companies are doing to promote their brands in lieu of traditional advertising has produced some startling revelations.

One unnamed executive told our investigative reporter that tobacco companies are trying to tap into psychological manipulation. ‘We’ve seen a lot of positive results from encouraging kids to smoke in playgrounds. We’ve planted a few of our younger-looking employees in schools to needle kids into being moderately life-long customers.’

The executive lit a smooth-tasting, aromatic cigarette before continuing: ‘So, these plants in schools insult the other kids for being weak if they don’t want to smoke. You know, lots of offensive references to their sexuality and mothers.’

‘Unfortunately,’ the executive continued, ‘some of our employees were found out and arrested for being near kids.’