Walmart to close all stores as threat from unionisation ‘too damn high’

Walmart stores across the continental United States will be closed down over the next few months as company executives determined that the threat of unionisation amongst employees simply wasn’t worth the risk.

‘I would rather die than let my store unionise,’ Sandra Collins, assistant manager at the Walmart Superstore in Louisville, Kentucky, told us. ‘The training video tapes that corporate sends us each week warn us of a virus that’s slowly eroding American values.’

The training DVDs she spoke of detail the alleged menace of unionisation. They emphasise that ‘associates’ (AKA employees) must avoid the temptation of feeling unhappiness at their working conditions. According to the materials, if an associate feels anything but joy, they are on the ‘path to evil’.

Our reporter asked Sandra how she would cope after losing her job. ‘I’m not frightened,’ she said. ‘Not one bit. I mean, okay, I have a mortgage, car payments, an addiction to purchasing many of our fine Walmart-branded products, and a child with a heart condition that requires expensive treatments, but closing down all of our stores is what’s best for the company. Now that’s something I can get behind.’

One unnamed Walmart executive we spoke to lamented that the board ‘had no other choice’.

‘It’s better this way,’ she told us. ‘We recommend that every retail store closes down to prevent any kind of organised labour. It’s the only way we will crush our enemies.’