Retirement home hires goons to collect on bingo debts

‘Okay, we get it,’ Pleasantville Retirement Village Manager Gary Kerrins told our journalist, ‘the elderly usually don’t have a lot of money, but a debt is a debt.’

The retirement village, home to over 150 permanent residents, is planning to collect on – in its own estimation – approximately $74.98 in bingo debt.

‘A lot of our residents are, shall we say, forgetful,’ Mr Kerrins continued. ‘They need a bit of reminding every now and then.

‘So that’s why we’ve hired some local thugs that I met at the back of the pharmacy to start shaking these folks down. All I had to do was buy them a whole bunch of Sudafed.’