There will be more ASMR YouTubers than people on Earth by 2050, scientists warn

‘If our current prediction models hold true,’ one unnamed physicist said, ‘we’re doomed.’

ASMR – an initialism of “autonomous sensory meridian response” – is the term for the pleasurable sensation one feels when triggered by certain sounds. One purveyor of ASMR told us, ‘It really helped to listen to this stuff when I was detoxing from my porn addiction.’

An entire industry has built itself around the phenomenon with tens of millions of people subscribing to as many ASMR YouTubers. There are even some who make a living from creating triggering sounds into binaural microphones.

‘As the popularity of ASMR has skyrocketed,’ another physicist who wished to remain nameless told us, ‘everyone has jumped on the bandwagon. We’re certain that our planet shall be overrun by everyone who wishes to scratch their false nails against the grate of a condenser microphone.’

One of our journalists attempted to contact an ASMR YouTuber but found it difficult to understand the person’s whispering. As our journalist was leaving, the YouTuber narrowed their eyes and began stroking a makeup brush erotically along the bulbous head of their microphone.