Dog food CEO resigns after dog food tests positive for dog

‘I actually don’t like dogs that much, to be honest with you,’ Drier Thompkins, former CEO of The Happy Dog Food Company, told reporters.

‘The only reason I’ve resigned is because I have this great clause in my contract which states I get millions if there’s an avoidable scandal and I resign,’ he continued.

Sources told The Squeaky Times that nineteen different pugs had found their way into a batch of slurry.

‘I don’t know what it is about our imitation chicken and synthetic pigeon cloaca, but pugs love it,’ one anonymous factory worker told our reporter. ‘We just watched the pugs fall into it like lemmings.’

Mick Oxford from Inverell, New South Wales, was first to bring the dog food contamination to the public’s attention.

‘I was just eating my breakfast one day,’ Mick told a TV camera crew. ‘And suddenly I says, “Hey, this tastes like one of them pug dogs.” It’s a bloody outrage, it is.’